Manifesting Love

I have come to realize that it could be argued that I manifested my husband. 

When I suggested to my beloved that perhaps I manifested him, he rolled his eyes and said “Don’t I have anything to do with it?”  And while the answer is yes, he is himself – and I love all of him – I actually do believe I manifested him.

Let me explain.

When my first husband died years ago, I knew I wanted to one day again marry.  I am just one of those people that thrives in partnership, and despite knowing what the muddy road ahead would be, I knew that I would eventually have a heart open to marriage as a possibility.  Not because I was tied to the institution of marriage, but for what it represented for me and a future partner.

When I first went back out into the dating scene, I learned really quickly that there was a lot of learning to do.  Being married at 20, widowed at 33, and then remarried at 46, there was a pretty big window in there for lots of “manifesting” if you will.

Translation: Manifesting is Proactive Learning.

What did I learn?

You decide. 

I hate the quote “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”, because I don’t do hockey, baseball, or golf, or whatever sport that applies to, but it sure as fuck does apply to finding a partner.  I don’t advocate for throwing yourself into dangerous situations, or doing something stupid (first meetings after dark in a parking lot, for example (shitty lesson learned)).  Be safe, but take some risks too.

I say I kissed a lot of frogs to arrive at my prince charming, but in reality, I kissed frogs, pigs, and even giant asses. Gaaawd, I kissed wolves in sheep’s clothing.  But I also kissed some gentlemen, warriors, leaders, and tender-hearted adventurers. 

Along the way, I was the one that was deciding if I was

1. actually happy being “alone”,

2. seeking some sort of less-meaningful companionship, or

3. actually seeking a partner.

At different times I was definitely different versions of the above.  In the early years I thought I was seeking a partner, but often was basically looking for companionship.  In the later years I was seeking a meaningful partner.  And even in the in-between times, I paid attention to when I was happy being alone, and when I wasn’t. 

The truth is, there were moments when I thought I would be happy to never have a partner.  I felt free, connected, supported, and loved – and my life was not complete with or without a man in my life.  I had my friends, family, my high counsel, and lots going on in my life.

There were also times when I cried myself to sleep and wrote letters to my dead husband about how horrible it was to try and do this parenting/decision-making/taking care of it all thing alone. I felt terrified, incompetent, judged, and misunderstood.

And there were times where I had flings on the fly with less-than-stellar judgement tucked into my back pocket, as I desperately sought feeling desired, being held, and sometimes just the release of it all (a meaningless orgasm). I think releasing the shame of some of these moments will take a lifetime, but they are my imperfect truth.

But each one taught me something about me. 

My letter to the Univrese began to be scripted in one of the messiest times. It’s original date, I realize, was February 14, 2014. Looking back, I see that I was in such incredible darkness.  In the face of the fears I was feeling, I  At that point I continued to ask the Universe for Joy, Grace, and Gratitude – but in a different way.  I began to manifest my husband.

The letter then started with a very vulnerable and hurt heart, despite being on a beautiful vacation.

We all start from somewhere, and this was me starting at a definite what the fuck rock-bottom moment. 

It was the starting point from which I began to dig deep into what really mattered to me.  This was the beginning, but not the end of this “wish list”, by any means.

My letter went on to talk about what I believed myself to need knowing what I knew at that time.     

In all of the coffees, online chats, phone chats, dates, relationships, stops, starts, failures and abrupt finishes with men over the years I learned a lot about me, my own relationship vulnerabilities, and my hang-ups that prevented me from moving forward, as the hard lines worth drawing in the sand. 

I learned that my deal breakers are real, and I should never have to apologize for them.  I also learned I shouldn’t have to apologize for being me, and that if we don’t “fit” it doesn’t mean anyone is necessarily “bad” (exception: the one guy who played me for 3 months and was married).  And there were times when my friends thought I was perfectly crazy for putting myself out there into the dating world.

With time my letter evolved to this grounded opening:

I am seeking a true partner.  The man that will own my heart will be kind, family-oriented, patient, understanding, grateful, and LOVING. He will be an exceptional communicator, and have a passion for words and expressing his feelings to those he loves.  He will live with integrity, honesty, and be respectful and tolerant, with an ability to see the good in even challenging situations.  He will understand that I am a widow, and that the man that is the biological father of my children will always have a place in our hearts, but will be open to being an integral, loving, and present part of our lives together with him in the role of a wonderful partner to their mother, and role-model to my (our) sons.  He will understand and respect that he may become “dad” to them, but possibly will not...

My letter told the Universe how my partner interacts with those he loves and the greater world, speaks to his sense of adventure, his philanthropic heart, his finances, and his sense of self related to academia or not.  I invited the Universe to recognize that my partner needed to value intimacy but remain publicly appropriate (a lesson that was an awkward learn for sure!).  And I also needed a partner that understood that as a Gemini, I can be a geek and a party animal in one fluid sweep of a room. My letter speaks to love languages, dancing, and appreciation of me as a mother.  The letter discusses health, down-time, and gentle reminders of presence.  The letter speaks to marriage as a long-term plan.

The letter was revisited often.  Purposefully. And in fact, I added and deleted parts of it as I went.  When I voiced that racism, sexism, and homophobia weren’t in my wheelhouse of acceptable in an awkward breakup conversation over beef vindaloo and beer, I realized it needed to go into the letter.  Just like when I realized I needed a partner, that with or without children would understand my responsibilities desire to be with my kids, it needed to be in the letter. 

I didn’t tell the Universe what I didn’t want – despite the frustration that steeped in moments like telling someone that they need to move out and they have 4 days. I learned from the relationships as I went, and gleaned goodness, joy, and recognized that sometimes there were just seasons to connection.

The more I learned about me, the more I could tell Universe the characteristics of a soul that would be a match for who I knew mine to be.

I watched, listened, waited, learned, leaned in, and took another chance. Kiss a frog, learn more about me, invite the Universe to help me find what I deserve.

The letter became a reflection of what was important to me in life.  And then, an invitation to the Universe to give a sister a hand.

My letter to the Universe concludes:

While this list may seem impossible, I believe that anything is possible, as will he.  A man that adds more happiness to the heart of myself and my loved ones will see that we bring many gifts to him.  He will see that we have crazy love!  He will cherish and adore the crazy love that we have to give, realize that he deserves it, and in turn want to share his own love exponentially.  The man that ultimately belongs to me, and I to him, will know that he loves us as much as we love him, and that he deserves us as much as we deserve him.

And so now I sit writing in thanks to the Universe.  Thanks for helping me manifest my “person” as we move into celebrating our first wedding anniversary. Thanks for helping me realize that love isn’t something worth giving up on.  I have gratitude for the challenges that we together have faced, face today, and will face in the future, because I know that he is my person.

And, if you are interested in seeing the real letter – last dated July 2, 2017 – let me know and I will post it in the future!

Love, Light, and Manifesting Awesome,